


Merle Saves The Day

by finx



Series: It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Loses A kKsHKssShKsskK [4]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Merle's unfortunate proclivities, major spoilers for literally everything, spoilers for the very last episode, the very last final one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 17:36:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13722684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finx/pseuds/finx
Summary: There is a timeline in which Merle saves the multiverse. It is the Worst Timeline. (It is the best timeline.)





	Merle Saves The Day

_The being who is not called Jeff, and not called Andrew, holds, in what are not hands, a dimensional array of planar systems. “Uh, boss,” they say, cautiously approaching what is not a desk. “You’re gonna want to see this.”_  
  
_The being who is not called Sam, and not called Alyssa, looks up from their morning crosswords to peer at the array. “Hey, isn’t that the one where one of the planes got corrupted and started eating the others?”_  
  
_Jeffandrew nods, a little grimly. Samalyssa squints at the infinite prism of light and time, compressed as it is into a form that is at once infinitely large and about the size of a toaster. “Looks like the problem’s cleared up,” they say. “Nice work. How did you find a viable recode?”_  
  
_Jeffandrew makes a face. “I didn’t.” They’re holding the array out from their body a little bit, as if reluctant to be too close to it. “Let me just… show you.”_

  
They are in an office building, many stories up, overlooking an orange sunset. Before them is a long table, with a comfortable chair at either end. One wall is all glass, a huge window onto the distant horizon. The other wall is blank, with a tasteful potted plant in one corner to break up the monotony.  
  
In one chair, with his back to the flaming sunset, is an elegant human man wearing a suit and an exasperated expression. In the other chair is a shirtless dwarf in flip-flops, sporting a shit-eating grin under his beard. “You know the rules, John,” the dwarf is saying. “Honest answers only. Here, I’ll give you a freebie. I’ll tell you mine, and then you can tell me yours.”  
  
“No, wait,” the human says, deeply alarmed, but it’s too late.  
  
“Now when I see a fern,” the dwarf starts, his voice suddenly gravelly and unctuous all at once, “a nice fern with those really long, flourishing tendrils, with these just, these _rippling_ green leaves—”  
  
The human stares, frozen with shock. Of all the answers he was expecting, this was not even on the list. One hand is half-raised, a flicker of black flame sparking on his palm; as the dwarf continues, the flame dies, forgotten.  
  
“You know how they have those thin green veins that run _all_ the way down, and the little brown spores all along their undersides,  _mmmh,_ you know how they’re a little fuzzy, those spores, and if you _stroke_ them, you can just _feel_ —”

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [CONTENT REDACTED](https://www.waysidegardens.com/tassel-fern/p/v2032/) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
_“What the fuck. What the FUCK.” Samalyssa reels, dizzy from how fast they’ve pulled themselves out of the planar viewing state. Jeffandrew follows mere moments later, and Samalyssa turns to them in horror. “What the fuck was that. Tell me you didn’t design that.”_  
  
_Jeffandrew grimaces. “Not on purpose. This happened, uh, organically.”_  
  
_Samalyssa shudders. “Please don’t ever use that word around me again.”_  
  
_“Yeah it… it gets worse. A lot worse. And then, well, the human is so horrified that he loses control of the planes he’s been absorbing, and sort of… self-destructs.”_  
  
_“I can’t blame him,” Samalyssa mutters._  
  
_Jeffandrew shrugs in agreement. “So… problem solved? I guess?”_  
  
_Samalyssa recoils. “No. No way. That’s just… You need to erase that right the fuck out of existence, right now, so that I can scrub it from my memory and never think of it again.”_  
  
_“If you insist,” Jeffandrew says, trying and failing to conceal their relief. “I think if I take out the potted plant in the corner, the topic will just… not come up.”_  
  
_“Good. Do that. Do it now.”_  
  
_Jeffandrew turns to go, and hesitates. “This might be our only chance to save this dimensional array. If the corruption isn’t stopped…”_  
  
_“Worth it,” Samalyssa says firmly. They turn back to their crossword, determined to forget every last thing about the past five minutes. “Absolutely worth it.”_


End file.
